Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Up in the air

Hey my lovelys,
So another week down and 2lbs off. So thats a grand total of 11.5lbs off in four weeks. I couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed as I really wanted to get my stone award before xmas. Well nevermind, its onwards and downwards that counts and I am losing which is the main thing!!!  In other news...I HATE MY LIFE...right now. So those (if any!) that are reading this may or may not know that I am training to be a midwife. Aaaw aaaw...splat! While it is aaaw some days...of late it is just s#&@! And thats not the being midwife bit persè, its all the other crap that I am having to do to keep my head above water. Unfortunately I have no rich boyfriend/husband (another source of :-( ) nor insanely rich parents and therefore the pittance of bursary that I receive on a monthly basis is barely worth the trouble it is to fill out the 26 page form!!! So as a result I am having to work and look for jobs while I should be working on my dissertation, and doing things for uni. Its been getting me really down of late because I hate the thought of having to rely on people to do things for me. And no no no, this has nothing to do with pride, I just dont like feeling endebted or like I am putting a strain on somebody else! Me and bestie had a row about this the other day because I just hate not being able to do stuff for the both of us and instead worrying about how far my petrol will go! So I got a job as a 'mothers help' which I had thought would be just that, helping the mother out with the baby and light housework etc. As it turns out it was just a cleaning job being masqueraded as something else. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being a cleaner, it is just not what I signed up for! It's making me miserable and I just feel like I am being taken advantage of. I mean what mothers help washes windows and ovens EVERYWEEK! I just cannot do it anymore so I have decided that for my sanity I am not going back to her after this week. So I will be back to the drawing board with regards to jobs. I know I need to focus on uni but it is just so hard when everything else is so...up in the air! And while all of this is going on I find myself wishing I had that special someone to at least take some time out with. I know you should enjoy the single life but its not like I am out clubbing and raving and enjoying meeting people. And I am ashamed to say this out loud...I am jealous of my friends that have boyfriends and those that have just started something new. Feels like my turn will never come. I guess its not that I envy them as such, I just want my own bit of happiness. But of course I never tell them this because I never want to be that friend that gets in the way or that people feel sorry for! So I have to keep being happy Jo...when really I am lonely and I am sad all the time! I want to be happy but feels like I am walking uphill in MUD! So what to do when my feelings are so up in the air??? Eat chocolate...NO! Get on with life and carryon...nothing else I can do. Hoping for a better 2012!
Toodles for now x

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