Here Goes Something...

So I bit the bullet and have officially joined slimming world as of this evening (well technically yesterday now)!!! Although I was mortified having to stand on the scales...I was not as upset by the numbers as I had thought I would be. Yes it is true that I have piled on the pounds lately, however I am determined to do something about it! I got Bestie to take some pictures of me a few days ago so that I can see the progression (and downsizing!) every month. I will also do inches as I know that sometimes weight gets static but inches decrease IYSWIM?! So here goes something...

Excuse the dopey look!

So these are my lovely before shots! Hopefully as time goes on I will seek a marked improvement and be able to really see the weight coming off. Anyway I really must go to sleep now as I have a long day of baby catching ahead tomorrow! Wish me luck! xxx

Put up or Shut Up!

....So after my rather morose last post I have decided that I need to do exactly as the title says...Put up or shut up! I have moaned for far too long and while I definitely feel like the odds are stacked against me (Will explain this further below!) I need to at least try to change something. So I am joining slimming world on tonight...hmmmm!

But anyway I need to give you a clearer picture of what  have done previously before I can share what my new plans are!

So as a kid I was always the 'chubby' kid! But it never bothered me because I was cute and it didn't seem to bother anybody else! As I got older I got a little bit taller and so it didn't look too bad (who am I trying to kid lol). Not to mention I always remember people telling my mum 'Oh it's just puppy fat. It will go as she gets older...' blaaah blaah blaaah!!! When I was in primary school I looked like this.

Mum tried to 'help' me lose weight by taking me to the doctors to see if there was a medical explanation for my weight issues and by giving me less food or telling me not to eat certain things, which would just upset me and then lead me to start eating things in secret. I was conscious that if I ate in scret then nobody would know. As I got older, I got bigger! By the time I started collegeI weighed a whopping 18 + stones and thought that was my lot in life really. This was me back then...

To the outside world I was just big, bubbly Josie. On the inside I felt HUGE and ugly. And all my friends were tiny slim size 8's. That did nothing for my confidence lol... So I then embarked on my first ever diet..Weight Watchers. I was mortified after finally working up the courage to go to a slimming club, that I actually weighed so much! So started on with WW byt to be 100% it just didn't work for me. So after about five weeks and decided it wasn't for me and as I had only lost about 2lbs in that time I stopped going.  I then went on to try Rosemary Conley and manage to lose about a stone and half. But again, didn't seem to stick and I slowly put that back on! Finally I decided to take drastic action and joined lighterlife in the summer of '09. I was nervous about it, but had seen from my aunt firsthand just how amazing the results could be. So I started on and the first week although was really hard was worth it as I lost an incredible 10lbs. I never knew I could really lose weight like that. As the weeks went by I found myself getting into a rhythm and losing the weight easily. My stumbling block came when I finished the initial 12 weeks and hadn't arrived at my set goal (going by what Dr's had said!) of 10 and a half stones. I think in my  head I didn't think it was a realistic goal however I thought I should at least try to get there. So to cut a very long story short, I yoyoed from 13st13lb to 11st7lbs for about a year, then gradually the weight has piled back on. And as the weight has gone back on, the depression has set in and I have retreated into myself and withdrawn. I really do want this weight off so I am joining slimming world (did a brief stint with them last year but was not in the right headspace!). I have to admit, I am quite scared to actually step on the scales tonight for numerous reasons but the number one being sheer and utter embarassment! But ho hum...gotta start somewhere I guess. I am going to be blogging more frequently so he goes something eh!

F.A.T

So much running through my head right now relating to...
fat fat fat...
am I?
am I not?
Why do I feel this way? Is my perception of me skewed? I feel like I'm losing the very essence of me...whatever that is!? And all this because of FAT...
I like to watch programmes about people who have similar problems to me, namely weight problems, as I feel like I can relate and see some of my thoughts and feelings in them. However bestie thinks I'm a nutjob... She thinks it is unhealthy to watch so many programmes about weight and relate or at least think I relate to them. But I can't help it. Its how I feel. It doesn't feel like people understand how I feel about myself. Unfortumately for me I am not like her. I know she will kill me if she reads this but I can't help how I feel. She's outwardly confident, she's strong, she's got feminine charms and she has a host of guys that just seem to love her much. Not to mention a pretty perfect size 8 body. Now don't get me wrong, she's bestie and I love her to death; I guess I'm just envious because I wish I was more like her and less like me. And even though I know I can't compare the stuff we go through because it's so completely different I just feel like it's eating me up and turning me into a different person. I get jealous because I don't have people fawning over me, texting me, calling me, wanting to know me, wanting to be my friend and so I retreat. I feel insignificant and inadequate and so I try to fade into the background. I don't want to cause a rift between us, honestly thats the last thing I want as she does truly care about me and is a great bestie. But I think I'm making her feel bad by some of the stuff I say. I don't mean to compare the two of us but sometimes I just can't help it. I don't want to be the bitter jealous best friend at all but I just feel so left behind sometimes. I realise though that this is my issue. She really does try to help me but I have to be able to do this for myself! Aaaaarggh life!

Lost

Hi Peeps,

It's been a little while since I last blogged... Apologies, I have started my final year ta uni and that along with generally being rundown has kept me off here...until now! It's been a really weird few months for me and I just feel, off. I know that is not exactly a great description but it is how I am feeling. Like I am off balance at the moment. I once again feel like life is just going on around me but I am not in it! I will post tomorrow to explain this further as I want to try to be positive at some point in this entry.

Well the midwife in me has really been growing and I feel like my confidence is building day by day! I have to admit when I first thought about being in my final year I was filled with fear and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, it scares me *%$!less that this time next year I will be qualified and working but it is exciting too. And two Fridays ago, I delivered my first waterbirth baby, a beautiful boy weighing 7lbs 9oz. So things on that front are good. Each day really has been a learning experience and I am working really hard to fulfil my potential and really make this year count. I know that this is something I love and something I was born to do. And as cliché as that may sound it is true! Anyhoo that is enough for now. I will be back tomorrow. This has been therapuetic and I haven't even gotten down to the nitty gritty. Until tomorrow...