Friday, 11 November 2011


So much running through my head right now relating to...
fat fat fat...
am I?
am I not?
Why do I feel this way? Is my perception of me skewed? I feel like I'm losing the very essence of me...whatever that is!? And all this because of FAT...
I like to watch programmes about people who have similar problems to me, namely weight problems, as I feel like I can relate and see some of my thoughts and feelings in them. However bestie thinks I'm a nutjob... She thinks it is unhealthy to watch so many programmes about weight and relate or at least think I relate to them. But I can't help it. Its how I feel. It doesn't feel like people understand how I feel about myself. Unfortumately for me I am not like her. I know she will kill me if she reads this but I can't help how I feel. She's outwardly confident, she's strong, she's got feminine charms and she has a host of guys that just seem to love her much. Not to mention a pretty perfect size 8 body. Now don't get me wrong, she's bestie and I love her to death; I guess I'm just envious because I wish I was more like her and less like me. And even though I know I can't compare the stuff we go through because it's so completely different I just feel like it's eating me up and turning me into a different person. I get jealous because I don't have people fawning over me, texting me, calling me, wanting to know me, wanting to be my friend and so I retreat. I feel insignificant and inadequate and so I try to fade into the background. I don't want to cause a rift between us, honestly thats the last thing I want as she does truly care about me and is a great bestie. But I think I'm making her feel bad by some of the stuff I say. I don't mean to compare the two of us but sometimes I just can't help it. I don't want to be the bitter jealous best friend at all but I just feel so left behind sometimes. I realise though that this is my issue. She really does try to help me but I have to be able to do this for myself! Aaaaarggh life!

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