So we (me and my sis!) took bestie to the ballet today! She had the goofiest happy grin ever... It was 'The Nutcracker' & actually quite enjoyable really! I really hope she enjoyed it. Just wanted her to know that we love her lots
Monday, 26 December 2011
Thursday, 22 December 2011
I can't even believe I am allowing myself to type this but it is how I feel and I can't express it to anyone because it would sound childish and insane. But that one word describes how I feel right now about everyone and everything. Even as I write this and I am teary eyed; I am jealous of the people who are normal and don't feel how I feel. I feel abnormal. And what is this about...love!? Slowly but surely each and everyone of my friends has been paired up with a boo and now I am the last woman standing...ALONE. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for them as they deserve happiness. I just wonder...'don't I?' It feels like I have been in the same role forever, supportive, dutiful friend who offers advice and care. Never the girl being desired, wanted...loved. Year after year things change but never this! This sounds both pathetic and dramatic but I feel like there is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough, small enough, smart or funny enough? I just want to know whats wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to take the time to know me? I told my friend today that I think there is somebody for everybody out there. I don't know if I truly believe that. Its driving me mad and making me crazy. I am envious of my friends because they have the things I want but can't have. I know things in real life aren't how they are in the movies but I can't help wanting my own fairytale. Its just a very lonely time. I never want to be the friend that is pitied or gets in the way of friends happiness. I just want to be happy too...is that really too much to ask?
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Hey my lovelys,
So another week down and 2lbs off. So thats a grand total of 11.5lbs off in four weeks. I couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed as I really wanted to get my stone award before xmas. Well nevermind, its onwards and downwards that counts and I am losing which is the main thing!!! In other news...I HATE MY LIFE...right now. So those (if any!) that are reading this may or may not know that I am training to be a midwife. Aaaw aaaw...splat! While it is aaaw some days...of late it is just s#&@! And thats not the being midwife bit persè, its all the other crap that I am having to do to keep my head above water. Unfortunately I have no rich boyfriend/husband (another source of :-( ) nor insanely rich parents and therefore the pittance of bursary that I receive on a monthly basis is barely worth the trouble it is to fill out the 26 page form!!! So as a result I am having to work and look for jobs while I should be working on my dissertation, and doing things for uni. Its been getting me really down of late because I hate the thought of having to rely on people to do things for me. And no no no, this has nothing to do with pride, I just dont like feeling endebted or like I am putting a strain on somebody else! Me and bestie had a row about this the other day because I just hate not being able to do stuff for the both of us and instead worrying about how far my petrol will go! So I got a job as a 'mothers help' which I had thought would be just that, helping the mother out with the baby and light housework etc. As it turns out it was just a cleaning job being masqueraded as something else. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being a cleaner, it is just not what I signed up for! It's making me miserable and I just feel like I am being taken advantage of. I mean what mothers help washes windows and ovens EVERYWEEK! I just cannot do it anymore so I have decided that for my sanity I am not going back to her after this week. So I will be back to the drawing board with regards to jobs. I know I need to focus on uni but it is just so hard when everything else is so...up in the air! And while all of this is going on I find myself wishing I had that special someone to at least take some time out with. I know you should enjoy the single life but its not like I am out clubbing and raving and enjoying meeting people. And I am ashamed to say this out loud...I am jealous of my friends that have boyfriends and those that have just started something new. Feels like my turn will never come. I guess its not that I envy them as such, I just want my own bit of happiness. But of course I never tell them this because I never want to be that friend that gets in the way or that people feel sorry for! So I have to keep being happy Jo...when really I am lonely and I am sad all the time! I want to be happy but feels like I am walking uphill in MUD! So what to do when my feelings are so up in the air??? Eat chocolate...NO! Get on with life and carryon...nothing else I can do. Hoping for a better 2012!
Toodles for now x
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
So week three is over and 0.5lb on this week, very very disappointed and upset. Have been on plan and been trying really hard. Even had sit at dinner with friends yesterday and see them eat bbq ribs and chips while i had a skinless, fatless chicken breast, jacket potato with no butter and salad and they thought I was crazy eating what I was! But I am also pre menstrual so hoping that is it! :'(
Still gonna keep trying just a little sad x
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
|Excuse the dopey look!|
So these are my lovely before shots! Hopefully as time goes on I will seek a marked improvement and be able to really see the weight coming off. Anyway I really must go to sleep now as I have a long day of baby catching ahead tomorrow! Wish me luck! xxx
But anyway I need to give you a clearer picture of what have done previously before I can share what my new plans are!
So as a kid I was always the 'chubby' kid! But it never bothered me because I was cute and it didn't seem to bother anybody else! As I got older I got a little bit taller and so it didn't look too bad (who am I trying to kid lol). Not to mention I always remember people telling my mum 'Oh it's just puppy fat. It will go as she gets older...' blaaah blaah blaaah!!! When I was in primary school I looked like this.
To the outside world I was just big, bubbly Josie. On the inside I felt HUGE and ugly. And all my friends were tiny slim size 8's. That did nothing for my confidence lol... So I then embarked on my first ever diet..Weight Watchers. I was mortified after finally working up the courage to go to a slimming club, that I actually weighed so much! So started on with WW byt to be 100% it just didn't work for me. So after about five weeks and decided it wasn't for me and as I had only lost about 2lbs in that time I stopped going. I then went on to try Rosemary Conley and manage to lose about a stone and half. But again, didn't seem to stick and I slowly put that back on! Finally I decided to take drastic action and joined lighterlife in the summer of '09. I was nervous about it, but had seen from my aunt firsthand just how amazing the results could be. So I started on and the first week although was really hard was worth it as I lost an incredible 10lbs. I never knew I could really lose weight like that. As the weeks went by I found myself getting into a rhythm and losing the weight easily. My stumbling block came when I finished the initial 12 weeks and hadn't arrived at my set goal (going by what Dr's had said!) of 10 and a half stones. I think in my head I didn't think it was a realistic goal however I thought I should at least try to get there. So to cut a very long story short, I yoyoed from 13st13lb to 11st7lbs for about a year, then gradually the weight has piled back on. And as the weight has gone back on, the depression has set in and I have retreated into myself and withdrawn. I really do want this weight off so I am joining slimming world (did a brief stint with them last year but was not in the right headspace!). I have to admit, I am quite scared to actually step on the scales tonight for numerous reasons but the number one being sheer and utter embarassment! But ho hum...gotta start somewhere I guess. I am going to be blogging more frequently so he goes something eh!
Friday, 11 November 2011
fat fat fat...
am I not?
Why do I feel this way? Is my perception of me skewed? I feel like I'm losing the very essence of me...whatever that is!? And all this because of FAT...
I like to watch programmes about people who have similar problems to me, namely weight problems, as I feel like I can relate and see some of my thoughts and feelings in them. However bestie thinks I'm a nutjob... She thinks it is unhealthy to watch so many programmes about weight and relate or at least think I relate to them. But I can't help it. Its how I feel. It doesn't feel like people understand how I feel about myself. Unfortumately for me I am not like her. I know she will kill me if she reads this but I can't help how I feel. She's outwardly confident, she's strong, she's got feminine charms and she has a host of guys that just seem to love her much. Not to mention a pretty perfect size 8 body. Now don't get me wrong, she's bestie and I love her to death; I guess I'm just envious because I wish I was more like her and less like me. And even though I know I can't compare the stuff we go through because it's so completely different I just feel like it's eating me up and turning me into a different person. I get jealous because I don't have people fawning over me, texting me, calling me, wanting to know me, wanting to be my friend and so I retreat. I feel insignificant and inadequate and so I try to fade into the background. I don't want to cause a rift between us, honestly thats the last thing I want as she does truly care about me and is a great bestie. But I think I'm making her feel bad by some of the stuff I say. I don't mean to compare the two of us but sometimes I just can't help it. I don't want to be the bitter jealous best friend at all but I just feel so left behind sometimes. I realise though that this is my issue. She really does try to help me but I have to be able to do this for myself! Aaaaarggh life!
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
It's been a little while since I last blogged... Apologies, I have started my final year ta uni and that along with generally being rundown has kept me off here...until now! It's been a really weird few months for me and I just feel, off. I know that is not exactly a great description but it is how I am feeling. Like I am off balance at the moment. I once again feel like life is just going on around me but I am not in it! I will post tomorrow to explain this further as I want to try to be positive at some point in this entry.
Well the midwife in me has really been growing and I feel like my confidence is building day by day! I have to admit when I first thought about being in my final year I was filled with fear and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, it scares me *%$!less that this time next year I will be qualified and working but it is exciting too. And two Fridays ago, I delivered my first waterbirth baby, a beautiful boy weighing 7lbs 9oz. So things on that front are good. Each day really has been a learning experience and I am working really hard to fulfil my potential and really make this year count. I know that this is something I love and something I was born to do. And as cliché as that may sound it is true! Anyhoo that is enough for now. I will be back tomorrow. This has been therapuetic and I haven't even gotten down to the nitty gritty. Until tomorrow...
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
So for a long while I've struggled with my self image, weight, you name it, I've had an issue with it! But I think Im finally realising that things aren't as bad as they may seem. I spent some time with some old friends this bank holiday and it made me do two things. 1. Realise how far I've come. I am not that same awkward chubby girl that felt like an outsider constantly. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. And lets face it...life is WAY too short to wallow in that much self pity! o_O ...and 2. Accept that I have so much in my life to be grateful for... It has literally taken for me to see someone I know REALLY feel the things I always thought I felt, to really understand that I am lucky.
So I know that I am not gonna magically be super confident and whatnot...but I'm getting there and I think its time to start taking some calculated risks and live life ;-) ...after all I've only got one and this is my time. So I'm gonna make the most of myself and my ahem...assets loooool... When I went out on Friday I felt sexy and I know I damn sure looked it. And it felt great...so here's to more nights out..more fun..and enjoying the rest of my life. I'm looking forward to it...its time to play ;-)
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Thursday, 7 April 2011
Me and bestie made it to ATL finally... Seems like we've been waiting ages for this trip but anyhoo we're hear now!! We've had 3 days of hot hot hot weather AND a crazy mad thunder&lightening storm...
So i will try to blog as much as possible whilst we're here and tell you about our adventures. So for now...
Bye y'all xx
Monday, 4 April 2011
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Monday, 7 March 2011
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
Thursday, 6 January 2011
So i told mum we needed to be a bit more organised this year...no mad dash on Christmas eve...or getting sent to the Indian shop on Christmas day lol...yes it has happened in the past!!! So we went shopping on the Wednesday (22nd)...and true to African Christmas we couldn't do all the shopping in ONE shop...no no no...we started in cricklewood buying the turkey...i told mum not to buy a massive bird as turkey isn't exactly favourite. So from the halal turkey man to the English butchers in kensal green... Now if any of you live in and around northwest London may know about John Line...where the line is literally out the door and around the corner. My happy happy joy joy mood was fast slipping away when i saw it...and then low and behold my cousins comes out with her purchases and well lets just say she went back in and we were done in 5minutes :-) happy mum...happy me... Next stop harlesden proper for the aff essentials...Plantain, Yam, scotch bonnet peppers...all the while i was just hoping to fit this all in my boot... Next on the agenda all the Christmas dinner bits...but why oh why couldn't I find the much needed pigs in blankets...otherwise known as pig wrapped in pig...lol. So after what seemed like an age in Tesco we finally made it to the checkout. Imagine my mums dismay when the checkout lady, rather the scan the items for the family in front of us, was having a conversation with the gentleman being served by her colleague. Needless to say mum wasn't pleased and was like *insert ghanaian accent* "Hi darling...can you go a bit faster please..." embarrassed is not the word. Anyhoo after all this shopping we went to nandos to eat and now mum was happy. As we took our seats, the music changed and my mother was adamant that it was ghanaian music...o_O...hmmm...lol i wasn't buying it until she started singing the words lol...once again now happy mum...happy me...
So fast forward to Christmas day...i got all of two hours sleep because i was up putting the finishing touches to the box for bestie...LONG...but she liked it :-) ...during this time my mum had gone to sleep and awoke in the cheeriest of moods lol. So while Im fighting sleep she thought now was the time for fun and jokes and to show me peoples presents and wrap them...then she said *insert ghanaian accent Here* "bestie will like the box; but aren't you tire? Anyway, midwives don't need sleep" looooooool... Classic there... After what felt like a minute, I had to get ready for church...but my eyes were burning with sleep! By this point my house smelt like a restaurant...yum...except that after I'd now showered so did I!
Church was nice, bestie liked her box, I loved mine :-)
Anyway...so i don't know what it is about ethnics BUT why can't anyone arrive on time eh? Two o'clock meant three o'clock and dinner was ahem...delayed...nothing new there then! And so it begins...the chatter from uncles, the aunties laughing, the teens...well being teens and mum flapping lol! Now in my family, tere's the loud uncle, the 'you think he's quite until he starts bussing jokes' uncle and the shyish uncle. The aunties all are different too; there's the joker/helper/get me sozzled aunty, the not so smiley aunty and the aunty with the quick one liners! SO amongst them...conversations are JOKES... As for the teens most are real cool and some well, some have gotten a bit to big for their boots, but thats a story for another day!
Anyhoo...between the frying of plantain and yam and the taking all the food to the table i was knackered; and that's before any eating had taken place. Well my mum can throw down so as you can imagine, dinner as it was by now 5pm, went down a treat. The kids, sorry teens piled their plates like there was no tomorrow lol...i on the other hand was quite disappointed with my performance. I can't put it away as i could before lol! But it tasted good...Now there's nothing like some after dinner conversation...topics such as the role of the wife in Ghana vs UK and how to put on a good funeral...fellow affs will get that! Apparently a wife in Ghana should happily serve her husband like a king, because really and truly, she has home help that do the work and she takes the credit! And as for the funeral, apparetly keyrings are a great souvenir...lol... I was in stitches, especially when one of my uncles couldn't quite keep up with the conversation and kept being corrected by his wife! Meanwhile the teens were trying to back drinks like they were in Bar Rumba...sorry but no, "take your hands off my archers" lol...
Dessert time was calm-ish and then i was flagging, but time for Eastenders...why oh why are you can"ooo and aaah and tell me again-ing" while Im trying to watch easties? o_O
Anyhoo a great time was had by all and as crazy as they are...i do love my family!