So we (me and my sis!) took bestie to the ballet today! She had the goofiest happy grin ever... It was 'The Nutcracker' & actually quite enjoyable really! I really hope she enjoyed it. Just wanted her to know that we love her lots
Monday, 26 December 2011
Thursday, 22 December 2011
I can't even believe I am allowing myself to type this but it is how I feel and I can't express it to anyone because it would sound childish and insane. But that one word describes how I feel right now about everyone and everything. Even as I write this and I am teary eyed; I am jealous of the people who are normal and don't feel how I feel. I feel abnormal. And what is this about...love!? Slowly but surely each and everyone of my friends has been paired up with a boo and now I am the last woman standing...ALONE. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for them as they deserve happiness. I just wonder...'don't I?' It feels like I have been in the same role forever, supportive, dutiful friend who offers advice and care. Never the girl being desired, wanted...loved. Year after year things change but never this! This sounds both pathetic and dramatic but I feel like there is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough, small enough, smart or funny enough? I just want to know whats wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to take the time to know me? I told my friend today that I think there is somebody for everybody out there. I don't know if I truly believe that. Its driving me mad and making me crazy. I am envious of my friends because they have the things I want but can't have. I know things in real life aren't how they are in the movies but I can't help wanting my own fairytale. Its just a very lonely time. I never want to be the friend that is pitied or gets in the way of friends happiness. I just want to be happy too...is that really too much to ask?
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Hey my lovelys,
So another week down and 2lbs off. So thats a grand total of 11.5lbs off in four weeks. I couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed as I really wanted to get my stone award before xmas. Well nevermind, its onwards and downwards that counts and I am losing which is the main thing!!! In other news...I HATE MY LIFE...right now. So those (if any!) that are reading this may or may not know that I am training to be a midwife. Aaaw aaaw...splat! While it is aaaw some days...of late it is just s#&@! And thats not the being midwife bit persè, its all the other crap that I am having to do to keep my head above water. Unfortunately I have no rich boyfriend/husband (another source of :-( ) nor insanely rich parents and therefore the pittance of bursary that I receive on a monthly basis is barely worth the trouble it is to fill out the 26 page form!!! So as a result I am having to work and look for jobs while I should be working on my dissertation, and doing things for uni. Its been getting me really down of late because I hate the thought of having to rely on people to do things for me. And no no no, this has nothing to do with pride, I just dont like feeling endebted or like I am putting a strain on somebody else! Me and bestie had a row about this the other day because I just hate not being able to do stuff for the both of us and instead worrying about how far my petrol will go! So I got a job as a 'mothers help' which I had thought would be just that, helping the mother out with the baby and light housework etc. As it turns out it was just a cleaning job being masqueraded as something else. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being a cleaner, it is just not what I signed up for! It's making me miserable and I just feel like I am being taken advantage of. I mean what mothers help washes windows and ovens EVERYWEEK! I just cannot do it anymore so I have decided that for my sanity I am not going back to her after this week. So I will be back to the drawing board with regards to jobs. I know I need to focus on uni but it is just so hard when everything else is so...up in the air! And while all of this is going on I find myself wishing I had that special someone to at least take some time out with. I know you should enjoy the single life but its not like I am out clubbing and raving and enjoying meeting people. And I am ashamed to say this out loud...I am jealous of my friends that have boyfriends and those that have just started something new. Feels like my turn will never come. I guess its not that I envy them as such, I just want my own bit of happiness. But of course I never tell them this because I never want to be that friend that gets in the way or that people feel sorry for! So I have to keep being happy Jo...when really I am lonely and I am sad all the time! I want to be happy but feels like I am walking uphill in MUD! So what to do when my feelings are so up in the air??? Eat chocolate...NO! Get on with life and carryon...nothing else I can do. Hoping for a better 2012!
Toodles for now x
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
So week three is over and 0.5lb on this week, very very disappointed and upset. Have been on plan and been trying really hard. Even had sit at dinner with friends yesterday and see them eat bbq ribs and chips while i had a skinless, fatless chicken breast, jacket potato with no butter and salad and they thought I was crazy eating what I was! But I am also pre menstrual so hoping that is it! :'(
Still gonna keep trying just a little sad x