Whoops...I upset my bestie today, yikes, not a great thing to do! I seem to have developed foot in mouth syndrome and that's not a good thing! So a quick post was in order to say SORRY; from here on out i shall do my best to remain silent on any...ahem...topics of a sensitive nature! And not offer Mmm hmms and other suchlike phrase unless absolutely necessary eg. Cheesecake lol! You know i only fuss cos i care! Anyhoo enough of the mush... Toodles x
So peeps, after weeks of nursing placements and being at uni, i am finally back doing what i do best tomorrow. .. Being a student midwife! And I'm scared though, it's been so long that i feel like I've forgotten Everything. Well i better get some sleep but i shall report back tomorrow xxx
Was just thinking about the things that I like to do when I am happy or stressed lol and one of those things is singing. There is (for me anyway!) nothing like just getting lost in the words of a beautiful song! Anyway for your ear delights (or horrors lol!) This is me...
"...Never been in love...Cause a girl like me...Never had someone to care for...Never thought there could be...Someone special for me..."
These are the lyrics to a song by JoJo, an American singer. These have been swirling around my head for a while recently. When I listen to the song, I think about myself and wonder why...like really?
I've never even had a hint of "The ONE"...and let's be frank I'm not getting any younger now am I? Bestie thinks it's cute that I've never had a boyfriend...Hmmm...cute isn't exactly the word I would use. Weird, annoying, frustrating, yes these are more the words I would chose. People often tell me that I am a 'nice' girl, a 'friendly' girl, that I'm pretty, that I will make a great girlfriend etc etc. So if the old mantra, that good things happen to good people, why am I still alone? It makes me kind of angry because I just want what so many other girls my age have; some one who looks at them and sees nothing else but them. Maybe I'm living in a dreamland and things don't actually happen that way! Of late, I've gone from the 'it'll never happen' phase, to the 'mild optimism' phase, to the 'almost hopeful' and right back to 'full on cynicism'. I'm wondering what is wrong with me: is it my hair? is my bum too wide (which it is lool) are my thighs too large, do I talk too much? It's funny, I guess I've always attributed my non success with guys to me and my weight. Guys want a woman that isn't like me; they want big boobies, tiny waist, long legs and that just isn't me!!! I've met guys before, but it never seems to progress past a certain point...So what am I doing wrong? Am I destined to be alone from now until kingdom come...
So it's currently 9:55 in the morning and I'm sat in the most pointless me lecture!!! This quest to become a midwife is starting to drag on a bit now!!! And I won't be out of here until about four this afternoon!!! Kill me now... I want my bed back!
So my good friend has been here with me for the weekend and she casually pointed out that I didn't have mirrors in my room. I was surprised that she had noticed and found it strange enough to comment on it. It's not something I've really thought about about until she challenged me to think about the real reason I don't have a mirror. I guess I have to be honest, when I look in the mirror, although I am not horrified by what I see; I'm not happy with it, nor am I comfortable to look at it for too long. Then I started thinking about my day to day regime. I get dressed and only glance in the mirror downstairs as I'm stepping out the door, coat on, ready to face the world. Is that weird? I don't know...Just got me thinking! What do you guys think?
Tuesday was my first day back at uni since September; it was lovely to see everyone, catch up with the girls and just be back from placement, not stuck in an endless cycle of 12 hour shifts! Anyway so the lecturers all seem to be bright and breezy and very excited about us being in the second year. I don't know that I feel very different being in second year, I am however very aware of the amount of things that I still don't know! And it scares me; how can I possibly be a good midwife, when I don't know which way blood is pumped around your heart *yikes*
Anyway a long day at uni was cut short when I got some news about a friend in need...so in short, a trip to A&E and a few of hours later, when I finally put my head on the pillow to sleep, it was just full to the brim with different thoughts and feelings.
I know exactly what it's like to actually feel like there is now way out, except out on a one way ticket to the end...
To feel like although there are people around you, you are alone in your troubles. Anyway in being there for my friend, I've added to my stress bank as I am worried. I guess when you care about somebody, it hurts you when they are hurt. I suggested that maybe some councelling may be an idea, just to be able to talk to someone that sees your problems in a different way to you. I think I might be needing to consider that option for myself soon, but until then, I will continue with my self therapy via the blog! So that was most of Tuesday! It was rounded off with a celebration for a friends recent graduation. Again the cogs in my brain started turning, thinking about my own graduation or if I'd even get there! Sometimes I'm just not sure.
So the rest of the weeks been a blur of uni and all the new modules that second year has, tension at home (long story) and some blues! Sometimes at uni I feel like, yep, I get it and I love what I am doing and I love the process;other times I feel like 'why am I here?' and that I am just floating along, wrapped in my own problems inwardly but on the outside, just happy, bubbly Josie, ready to learn...wow...I really am a bit of a nut job!
Anyway...The weekend has been nice at the very least. I got to spend time with some of my favourite people. A good friend of mine came to visit and stay with me. Bless her, it was just what I needed. She's been worried about me for a while now and decided to come up to cheer me up! It was lovely to have her here and to be able to talk to someone that believes the things I am feeling are valid. She also challenged me to think about somethings aswell! We had fun involving a trip the the cinema, some bottles of wine and me baking cakes! Random...I know! But most of all, she loved me as I am, and I am so greatful to have a friend like her. You know who you are and I love you. *Thank you*
And now here I am listening the some lovely Maxwell, trying to get my emotions in check. This journey is hard, but I need to open myself up to really be able to understand me and the things that I do. On this note I am off. Uni in the morning so I need my beauty sleep!
Wow...so this is my first time doing anything like this so please bear with me! I have kinda done this on a whim so lets hope I keep it up! I guess I should start by giving you a little background...
So I'm 23 years old and currently studying for my degree in Midwifery. I was born and bred in Stanmore, London UK to Ghanaian parents. I have a sister here in London, a sister and a beautiful niece in the USA and others here there and everwhere inbetween!!. I have lived in the same house since I was born and I currently think I may very well be here forever lol...I love to sing, to read romance books (the steamy kind lol...) I love being with family and friends and just like being conent! Funny as that may sound that is me! I'm a strong (most times), loyal, kind hearted and dependable person. I try my best to be there for my nearest and dearest when they need me and I try not to be too judgemental as it helps noone. I am a proud Christian and know that without the man upstairs...I wouldn't be where I am today!
Anyway so, I have been a student for absolutely EVER!!! I have 10 GCSE's (A's and B's!) and 3 A Levels (BBC) and half a degree under my belt so far and am on my way to getting a full degree (fingers crossed) and RM qualification! And I can't WAIT to finally be done and over with all this study, be a great midwife and EARN A WAGE...lol! My journey to becoming a midwife has been a bit of a bumpy one to say the very least, but thats a story for another post!
In my life there's a a few main focuses; becoming a great midwife, being happy and living the best life possible and looking and feeling great (ie being a normal weight!). The last two seem to be intertwined...and right now I am stuck! When I am happiest is when I am confident in myself and how I look! BUT...When I am sad..I eat..when I eat I get fat...when I get fat..I get unhappy and eat more! I've been sad for a really long time it feels; If anyone I know is reading this then they may be shocked as I try not to show this too much! So as I've been sad, I've been eating...getting bigger etc...so you see my dilema! Again, a post for another day!
Currently I'm in a weird place in my life right now...no longer a whistful, excited teenager with dreams of being away from home to rave to my hearts content; but also not ready to be someone's wife and mummy. SO right about now I am caught between in a limbo land! And I don't really know how to deal with it. I spend many a day just thinking...which is what has bought me to beginning my blog. With all that is swirling around in my head, I think it would be really good to have an outlet so here in begins another journey...blogging! This is going to be for me to express just that, ME!
If anyone reads this then I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but in reality, I'm just a girl in this crazy world trying to be happy! I'm going to leave the first post here. But I'll be back.