Let Positivity Win

Today was a particularly long and tedious day spent at university. During the day I was reminded as to why I hate studying...because I just don't quite get things like everyone else...and I hate homework lol. It was made worse by the fact that I spent a considerable amount of sleep time, awake last night, overthinking. Thinking about craving change but feeling stuck, thinking about some of the areas of my life that I have limited control over and about the future. For those that know me well and for those that don't, I'm quite an emotionally open but measured person. I try to keep things I think and feel in check, but every so often, these pesky emotions bubble to the surface. And today was one of those days! I spent the day consumed in negative energy and in a negative space in my head. If you've read this far, you are probably thinking...where is the positivity that the title alluded to? It's coming...bear with me. So I spent the day in a bubble of gloom. Usually what follows would be a night of feeling very sorry for myself...wondering why I had to be stuck in my situation.

Tonight, however, I decided to do something a little different. Rather than remain in a place of sadness...I got proactive and was determined to end today on a positive note. So I said a prayer, I perused my match.com prospects...NOTHING to see there unfortunately (a post for another day), I did some online shopping and then most importantly I told myself five things that I thought made me pretty great. Up until now, I've had no idea how unkind I've been to myself with the things that I say to me and the impact that has had on my positivity/negativity balance. But I'm realising that a healthy, positive mindset has to start with me.

The phrase "talk to yourself like someone you love" has never been truer. So today my five things were as follows:

1. I have beautiful eyes...I love the shape!
2. I am compassionate and I care...a lot.
3. I can sing (and not just in the shower).
4. I have a HUGE bum...that looks great in jeans ;-) 
5. I am open to change.

Today could have ended like any other bad day, but I made a conscious choice to let positivity win. Life doesn't always go our way...but you have to keep pushing through to happy ever after...or something like that.

Answers on a postcard...

I have issues! This is going to be a rambling post because...well it's my blog and I can! So anyway, back to the matter in hand; below is a little montage of my current situation...

Awkward.com 

At my ripe (!) age, many of the people that are around me and in my life are either booed up, in a serious relationship, married or completely unbothered by the single life. And I'm just here trying to figure out what gives lol... I mean come on...

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

I. Am. Baffled.

So those that know me, tell me that I'm pretty awesome lol...ok maybe not awesome but something quite close to it...honestly...I'm just not sure why it isn't happening?????!!!!????

I mean...

1. I try to always smile 
2. I've headed advice from friends and am trying to GET OUT THERE...wherever THERE is...
3. I always wear matching socks and underwear (hey, you never know when you might get cut out of a car (or your clothes...hahaha...)by a firefighter! AND...
4. I'm on match.com paying money to (get messages from weirdos) find love or at least something that could resemble it in 100 years time. 

For many years I truly believed it was all because I was a chunky monkey but over the years I have lost vast amounts of weight, put some back on and am sitting somewhere I between...and still no fairytale!

Now If you've made it this far down the post then is I guess I should share my one positive. I have grown to appreciate myself in all my curvaceous glory! While I am NOT in a place of complete adoration, I HAVE grown in confidence & know for a fact that actually...when I make a bit of effort...I'm a bit of alright ;-)

I have some, ahem, attributes that others pay money for, so for the 'gifting' of free hips and bum...I should be grateful. I know that I'm a good person, I'm funny (my friend told me I should have my own show LOL!), my eyebrow game is on fleek lol...(I am actually laughing at my use of 'on fleek' in a real sentence) and I don't hog the duvet....

...But. Still. No. Fairytale. 

And with 30 approaching in the not too distant future (2017)...I am asking...Why not? When? How? I'll take all answers long and short...on a postcard please!

Who am I...now?

Who am I? This is a question that I ask myself frequently. I think, I may even have a post from the early days of this blog, chronicalling how I was confused about me.... It's funny because sometimes, in moments of amazing clarity, I feel like I'm beginning to figure it out. I deduce that I'm a 28 year old woman with some great qualities and full of dreams. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a friend. I'm a midwife. And then I draw a blank....

Now this isn't a pity post...it is just my musings being spoken aloud. 

How do we find out who we truly are within? I can't lie, I've started this year off not quite as I would have liked and as such it has made me question myself countless times. A blossoming romance was quashed with no warning, being generally stuck on pause and a few more extra pounds than really acceptable have been the tip of the iceberg. I've spent day after day yearning for love and intimacy, searching for fulfilment and wanting to be content...yet these things seem to evade me. But I'm starting to slowly realise that while we are sometimes subject to situations beyond our control, we (well us and The man upstairs) have the ability to change course if things just aren't working. I have spent too many days, afternoons and nights dreaming about a happier life...it's time to start putting in the work to make this a reality. Now don't get me wrong, I'm very fortunate; I have a good job, a roof over my head and people that care...but I need more than that. This year, it is my mission to be able to stand wherever I am in the world on December 31st 2016 and reflect on a somewhat great year.

So how do I plan to do this you ( well all 2 of you who may read this blog) may be thinking? 

Great things don't come to those who live in their comfort zone...I actually think that sometimes it does however in my case I need to grow..and to grow I need to take a leap of faith...

I can't reveal all at this stage but change is definitely coming...I hope you'll come along for the ride!

Its been a while...

It's been nearly 2 years since my last blog post, crazy huh!? The last 2 years have been full of some beautiful highs...becoming an aunty to an amazing little boy & some intense lows...Heartbreak :-(...

...But I'm still here...

2016 needs to be the year I put ME first and make significant changes to my life and start living...I won't promise to blog everyday but I am going to make this my safe space to talk, to think and to feel this year...so here goes...

Who am I?

I have severely neglected this blog over the last year, but to be fair I have been busy, you know...being a real life MIDWIFE and all that jazz...lol! But anyway, that is no excuse and I think that one of my goals this year is to maintain my blog, more so for my own sanity than anyone's entertainment! However if there is actually anyone reading this then by all means, please... be entertained, be encouraged, be intrigued! Well back to the matter in hand. So recently things have been changing for me, a new job, new friendships and as always with me...new issues. All these things have got me thinking...

WHO AM I?

I have spent so long wanting to be this ideal of myself, that I think I have lost sight of the person that is actually ME. I have always been striving to be the best me, whether that meant to be slimmer, to study harder or to just be cooler (don't laugh!) and now...I am LOST.

Lost, lost, lost...

 I feel like I don't know who I am anymore? And yet I find myself wondering if I ever really knew me to start with. With my friends, everyone has their thing & sometimes if I'm honest, I feel like an odd bod. A bit like a little sister left behind as she hasn't quite reached her cool potential. That sounds funny, but I can't help it & I know that is probably my mind playing tricks on me. What makes me cool, what makes me stand out or most importantly, what makes me...me? I don't have a passion, I don't have anything that I'm especially good at persé so I'm just here, fading into the background. And while I'm not an extrovert wanting to be in the spotlight, each day is the same, work, eat, sleep...BORING!!! People, relationships & situations around me are evolving & changing...but I'm still the same. Still the same girl, scared to step outside her box; worried that no one will ever understand what's going on behind my smile.  

But how do I change? Answers on a postcard please!!!

Someone asked me what I liked about myself and I struggled to answer! I truly had to take time to think & to consider what I did like and if I am one hundred percent honest, it was a short list. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me sad but these days I'm always sad. Even when to everyone else I seem happy, generally I am not.

I need to find me because I really scared of waking up one day and realising that I'm here but instead of living, I'm just existing. 

Happy New Year

So it is finally 2013...whoop whoop. Just wanted to say that along with some other things I'm planning to do this year (I'll share those later) at the top of my list is to start taking this blog a bit more seriously! I'm gonna aim to blog at least once a week... Now I know that doesn't sound like much, but the working life has me sooo tired! Anyhoo this is just a quickie post to say hello and I'm BACK...Here's to a fantastic year ahead! :-)

Snapshots From 2012...The Ballet

So we (me and my sis!) took bestie to the ballet today! She had the goofiest happy grin ever... It was 'The Nutcracker' & actually quite enjoyable really! I really hope she enjoyed it. Just wanted her to know that we love her lots