Sunday, 2 March 2014

Who am I?

I have severely neglected this blog over the last year, but to be fair I have been busy, you know...being a real life MIDWIFE and all that! But anyway, that is no excuse and I think that one of my goals this year is to maintain my blog, more so for my own sanity than anyone's entertainment! However if there is actually anyone reading this then by all means, please... be entertained, be encouraged, be intrigued! Well back to the matter in hand. So recently things have been changing for me, a new job, new friendships and as always with issues. All these things have got me thinking...


I have spent so long wanting to be this ideal of myself, that I think I have lost sight of the person that is actually ME. I have always been striving to be the best me, whether that meant to be slimmer, to study harder or to just be cooler (don't laugh!) and now...I am LOST.

Lost, lost, lost...

 I feel like I don't know who I am anymore? And yet I find myself wondering if I ever really knew me to start with. With my friends, everyone has their thing & sometimes if I'm honest, I feel like an odd bod. A bit like a little sister left behind as she hasn't quite reached her cool potential. That sounds funny, but I can't help it & I know that is probably my mind playing tricks on me. What makes me cool, what makes me stand out or most importantly, what makes I don't have a passion, I don't have anything that I'm especially good at persé so I'm just here, fading into the background. And while I'm not an extrovert wanting to be in the spotlight, each day is the same, work, eat, sleep...BORING!!! People, relationships & situations around me are evolving & changing...but I'm still the same. Still the same girl, scared to step outside her box; worried that no one will ever understand what's going on behind my smile.  

But how do I change? Answers on a postcard please!!!

Someone asked me what I liked about myself and I struggled to answer! I truly had to take time to think & to consider what I did like and if I am one hundred percent honest, it was a short list. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me sad but these days I'm always sad. Even when to everyone else I seem happy, generally I am not.

I need to find me because I really scared of waking up one day and realising that I'm here but instead of living, I'm just existing.