...Tilt my head back... feel the tears roll down..I'm going crazy..I'm losing my mind..I'm going crazy..in this big white room of mine (lovely song by Jessie J)
So I haven't blogged in a very long while and I'm sorry! I will try my best to start posting more regularly. To those of you who watched me singing in my last post, thank you. It's just something I like to do when I have the chance! Well I guess I should give my apologies in advance for this post as it is more of a vent than a happy post...feeling kind of BLUE(happy post to follow I promise)! The above lyrics represent how I'm feeling at the moment...the big white room being my crazy, never stopping mind-But do not fear, I am not going to do anything remotely crazy because that's not me! I am far too sensible...*yawn yawn* ..lool... Anyhoo so way back when in November I wrote a post entitled "Never been in love..." and within that post I talked about my frustrations about my lack of love life. Well some ook..nit some, ALL of the words I wrote then are still very true today and are getting on my first, second and last nerve.
"People often tell me that I am a 'nice' girl, a 'friendly' girl, that I'm pretty, that I will make a great girlfriend etc etc. So if the old mantra is true, that good things happen to good people, why am I still alone?"
I just can't help wondering if there's something about me...like a sign on me I haven't noticed that has " STOP...don't come near me I'm a loser"!!! Now please don't get it twisted, I'm not looking for pity...just some options!!! According to bestie, I'm not projecting the right kind of seductive/confident vibes, I apparently plod, not glide looool, I dress like a mum o_O and I'm generally not making the most of me! I guess the reason it is getting to me so much is that for pretty much all of my significant adolescent and adult life so far, I've been either overlooked by guys due to having insanely pretty friends that demand all the attention without trying or had my kind nature taken advantage of. I guess for me I'm at another weird point in my life... I have many I know!! But I just want someone to share things with. Don't get me wrong, I have some great friends but most of them live on the other side of London or are wrapped up in their own lives, which is more than fair enough. Just gets to me sometimes. Forever wondering when it'll be my turn. And to top it off I found out one of my oldest friends is engaged. I'm sooo happy for her and am excited too. But I just can't seem to help the pangs of jealousy I feel...wow...I sound like a nutjob...I feel like I'm stuck in a rutt. Add on looking like a beached whale and you have my feelings exactly. So how do I change and become "THAT GIRL"... The one that is crazily comfortable in her own skin, that feels beautiful and doesn't really care what others think??? I thought I had gotten to that point but I was cleary kidding myself. Apparently I haven't come into my own...so at nearly 24, WHEN will that happen?? I don't know who I am anymore and it's a bit scary...the role I've always played in my life is now defunct and I am lost. Just wondering aimlessly towards nothing...Getting a little teary eyed so I shall bow out now...
Ps. I promise to try and post a happy post next time
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