Let Positivity Win

Today was a particularly long and tedious day spent at university. During the day I was reminded as to why I hate studying...because I just don't quite get things like everyone else...and I hate homework lol. It was made worse by the fact that I spent a considerable amount of sleep time, awake last night, overthinking. Thinking about craving change but feeling stuck, thinking about some of the areas of my life that I have limited control over and about the future. For those that know me well and for those that don't, I'm quite an emotionally open but measured person. I try to keep things I think and feel in check, but every so often, these pesky emotions bubble to the surface. And today was one of those days! I spent the day consumed in negative energy and in a negative space in my head. If you've read this far, you are probably thinking...where is the positivity that the title alluded to? It's coming...bear with me. So I spent the day in a bubble of gloom. Usually what follows would be a night of feeling very sorry for myself...wondering why I had to be stuck in my situation.

Tonight, however, I decided to do something a little different. Rather than remain in a place of sadness...I got proactive and was determined to end today on a positive note. So I said a prayer, I perused my match.com prospects...NOTHING to see there unfortunately (a post for another day), I did some online shopping and then most importantly I told myself five things that I thought made me pretty great. Up until now, I've had no idea how unkind I've been to myself with the things that I say to me and the impact that has had on my positivity/negativity balance. But I'm realising that a healthy, positive mindset has to start with me.

The phrase "talk to yourself like someone you love" has never been truer. So today my five things were as follows:

1. I have beautiful eyes...I love the shape!
2. I am compassionate and I care...a lot.
3. I can sing (and not just in the shower).
4. I have a HUGE bum...that looks great in jeans ;-) 
5. I am open to change.

Today could have ended like any other bad day, but I made a conscious choice to let positivity win. Life doesn't always go our way...but you have to keep pushing through to happy ever after...or something like that.

Answers on a postcard...

I have issues! This is going to be a rambling post because...well it's my blog and I can! So anyway, back to the matter in hand; below is a little montage of my current situation...

Awkward.com 

At my ripe (!) age, many of the people that are around me and in my life are either booed up, in a serious relationship, married or completely unbothered by the single life. And I'm just here trying to figure out what gives lol... I mean come on...

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

I. Am. Baffled.

So those that know me, tell me that I'm pretty awesome lol...ok maybe not awesome but something quite close to it...honestly...I'm just not sure why it isn't happening?????!!!!????

I mean...

1. I try to always smile 
2. I've headed advice from friends and am trying to GET OUT THERE...wherever THERE is...
3. I always wear matching socks and underwear (hey, you never know when you might get cut out of a car (or your clothes...hahaha...)by a firefighter! AND...
4. I'm on match.com paying money to (get messages from weirdos) find love or at least something that could resemble it in 100 years time. 

For many years I truly believed it was all because I was a chunky monkey but over the years I have lost vast amounts of weight, put some back on and am sitting somewhere I between...and still no fairytale!

Now If you've made it this far down the post then is I guess I should share my one positive. I have grown to appreciate myself in all my curvaceous glory! While I am NOT in a place of complete adoration, I HAVE grown in confidence & know for a fact that actually...when I make a bit of effort...I'm a bit of alright ;-)

I have some, ahem, attributes that others pay money for, so for the 'gifting' of free hips and bum...I should be grateful. I know that I'm a good person, I'm funny (my friend told me I should have my own show LOL!), my eyebrow game is on fleek lol...(I am actually laughing at my use of 'on fleek' in a real sentence) and I don't hog the duvet....

...But. Still. No. Fairytale. 

And with 30 approaching in the not too distant future (2017)...I am asking...Why not? When? How? I'll take all answers long and short...on a postcard please!

Who am I...now?

Who am I? This is a question that I ask myself frequently. I think, I may even have a post from the early days of this blog, chronicalling how I was confused about me.... It's funny because sometimes, in moments of amazing clarity, I feel like I'm beginning to figure it out. I deduce that I'm a 28 year old woman with some great qualities and full of dreams. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a friend. I'm a midwife. And then I draw a blank....

Now this isn't a pity post...it is just my musings being spoken aloud. 

How do we find out who we truly are within? I can't lie, I've started this year off not quite as I would have liked and as such it has made me question myself countless times. A blossoming romance was quashed with no warning, being generally stuck on pause and a few more extra pounds than really acceptable have been the tip of the iceberg. I've spent day after day yearning for love and intimacy, searching for fulfilment and wanting to be content...yet these things seem to evade me. But I'm starting to slowly realise that while we are sometimes subject to situations beyond our control, we (well us and The man upstairs) have the ability to change course if things just aren't working. I have spent too many days, afternoons and nights dreaming about a happier life...it's time to start putting in the work to make this a reality. Now don't get me wrong, I'm very fortunate; I have a good job, a roof over my head and people that care...but I need more than that. This year, it is my mission to be able to stand wherever I am in the world on December 31st 2016 and reflect on a somewhat great year.

So how do I plan to do this you ( well all 2 of you who may read this blog) may be thinking? 

Great things don't come to those who live in their comfort zone...I actually think that sometimes it does however in my case I need to grow..and to grow I need to take a leap of faith...

I can't reveal all at this stage but change is definitely coming...I hope you'll come along for the ride!

Its been a while...

It's been nearly 2 years since my last blog post, crazy huh!? The last 2 years have been full of some beautiful highs...becoming an aunty to an amazing little boy & some intense lows...Heartbreak :-(...

...But I'm still here...

2016 needs to be the year I put ME first and make significant changes to my life and start living...I won't promise to blog everyday but I am going to make this my safe space to talk, to think and to feel this year...so here goes...

Who am I?

I have severely neglected this blog over the last year, but to be fair I have been busy, you know...being a real life MIDWIFE and all that jazz...lol! But anyway, that is no excuse and I think that one of my goals this year is to maintain my blog, more so for my own sanity than anyone's entertainment! However if there is actually anyone reading this then by all means, please... be entertained, be encouraged, be intrigued! Well back to the matter in hand. So recently things have been changing for me, a new job, new friendships and as always with me...new issues. All these things have got me thinking...

WHO AM I?

I have spent so long wanting to be this ideal of myself, that I think I have lost sight of the person that is actually ME. I have always been striving to be the best me, whether that meant to be slimmer, to study harder or to just be cooler (don't laugh!) and now...I am LOST.

Lost, lost, lost...

 I feel like I don't know who I am anymore? And yet I find myself wondering if I ever really knew me to start with. With my friends, everyone has their thing & sometimes if I'm honest, I feel like an odd bod. A bit like a little sister left behind as she hasn't quite reached her cool potential. That sounds funny, but I can't help it & I know that is probably my mind playing tricks on me. What makes me cool, what makes me stand out or most importantly, what makes me...me? I don't have a passion, I don't have anything that I'm especially good at persé so I'm just here, fading into the background. And while I'm not an extrovert wanting to be in the spotlight, each day is the same, work, eat, sleep...BORING!!! People, relationships & situations around me are evolving & changing...but I'm still the same. Still the same girl, scared to step outside her box; worried that no one will ever understand what's going on behind my smile.  

But how do I change? Answers on a postcard please!!!

Someone asked me what I liked about myself and I struggled to answer! I truly had to take time to think & to consider what I did like and if I am one hundred percent honest, it was a short list. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me sad but these days I'm always sad. Even when to everyone else I seem happy, generally I am not.

I need to find me because I really scared of waking up one day and realising that I'm here but instead of living, I'm just existing. 

Happy New Year

So it is finally 2013...whoop whoop. Just wanted to say that along with some other things I'm planning to do this year (I'll share those later) at the top of my list is to start taking this blog a bit more seriously! I'm gonna aim to blog at least once a week... Now I know that doesn't sound like much, but the working life has me sooo tired! Anyhoo this is just a quickie post to say hello and I'm BACK...Here's to a fantastic year ahead! :-)

Snapshots From 2012...The Ballet

So we (me and my sis!) took bestie to the ballet today! She had the goofiest happy grin ever... It was 'The Nutcracker' & actually quite enjoyable really! I really hope she enjoyed it. Just wanted her to know that we love her lots

...So this is Christmas...

...And what have you done? ...So I am sitting here on boxing day after having a relatively quiet and chilled out Christmas and I am feeling quite content and more positive! As mum was working and my sis was away, I spent the time with bestie and her family. And I have to say it was really nice to not have a million and one people; a. In my house and b. just be able to chill and relax and feel comfortable. Anyhoo I had a nice time, ate but not over indulged and just generally had a nice day. It was just what I needed after the last few months. And also after last few posts I had done I thought it was important to give a bit of festive and happy cheer! I also went shopping in the sales today with bestie. We didn't get much, just the essentials for now...And for ladies that is underwear!!! I think dinosaurs were still walking the earth the last time I bought new stuff! Anyway I have replaced some bits and so if I was to be caught in a very embarrassing situation, at least I would be matching! I think the main bits that I want to get in the sales are some new converse and a nice big chunky knit cardy for the remaining winter months. Not sure about venturing back to Oxford Circus after haring about a stabbing that happened there today. And to think, just about an hour and a half before then I had walked along that very stretch of road! I think it will be local for the rest of my shopping. Anyhoo I am going to bow out now, as I have a weigh-in, in the morning. I have been the most controlled this Christmas than I ever remember and felt quite in control but I am still prepared for a gain! I won't lie, I will be upset but I know that this is a change of eating style so will stick to it! Onwards and downwards is the motto...I will report back tomorrow after weigh in! Until then...

Jealousy...

I can't even believe I am allowing myself to type this but it is how I feel and I can't express it to anyone because it would sound childish and insane. But that one word describes how I feel right now about everyone and everything. Even as I write this and I am teary eyed; I am jealous of the people who are normal and don't feel how I feel. I feel abnormal. And what is this about...love!? Slowly but surely each and everyone of my friends has been paired up with a boo and now I am the last woman standing...ALONE. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for them as they deserve happiness. I just wonder...'don't I?' It feels like I have been in the same role forever, supportive, dutiful friend who offers advice and care. Never the girl being desired, wanted...loved. Year after year things change but never this! This sounds both pathetic and dramatic but I feel like there is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough, small enough, smart or funny enough? I just want to know whats wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to take the time to know me? I told my friend today that I think there is somebody for everybody out there. I don't know if I truly believe that. Its driving me mad and making me crazy. I am envious of my friends because they have the things I want but can't have. I know things in real life aren't how they are in the movies but I can't help wanting my own fairytale. Its just a very lonely time. I never want to be the friend that is pitied or gets in the way of friends happiness. I just want to be happy too...is that really too much to ask?

Up in the air

Hey my lovelys,
So another week down and 2lbs off. So thats a grand total of 11.5lbs off in four weeks. I couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed as I really wanted to get my stone award before xmas. Well nevermind, its onwards and downwards that counts and I am losing which is the main thing!!!  In other news...I HATE MY LIFE...right now. So those (if any!) that are reading this may or may not know that I am training to be a midwife. Aaaw aaaw...splat! While it is aaaw some days...of late it is just s#&@! And thats not the being midwife bit persè, its all the other crap that I am having to do to keep my head above water. Unfortunately I have no rich boyfriend/husband (another source of :-( ) nor insanely rich parents and therefore the pittance of bursary that I receive on a monthly basis is barely worth the trouble it is to fill out the 26 page form!!! So as a result I am having to work and look for jobs while I should be working on my dissertation, and doing things for uni. Its been getting me really down of late because I hate the thought of having to rely on people to do things for me. And no no no, this has nothing to do with pride, I just dont like feeling endebted or like I am putting a strain on somebody else! Me and bestie had a row about this the other day because I just hate not being able to do stuff for the both of us and instead worrying about how far my petrol will go! So I got a job as a 'mothers help' which I had thought would be just that, helping the mother out with the baby and light housework etc. As it turns out it was just a cleaning job being masqueraded as something else. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being a cleaner, it is just not what I signed up for! It's making me miserable and I just feel like I am being taken advantage of. I mean what mothers help washes windows and ovens EVERYWEEK! I just cannot do it anymore so I have decided that for my sanity I am not going back to her after this week. So I will be back to the drawing board with regards to jobs. I know I need to focus on uni but it is just so hard when everything else is so...up in the air! And while all of this is going on I find myself wishing I had that special someone to at least take some time out with. I know you should enjoy the single life but its not like I am out clubbing and raving and enjoying meeting people. And I am ashamed to say this out loud...I am jealous of my friends that have boyfriends and those that have just started something new. Feels like my turn will never come. I guess its not that I envy them as such, I just want my own bit of happiness. But of course I never tell them this because I never want to be that friend that gets in the way or that people feel sorry for! So I have to keep being happy Jo...when really I am lonely and I am sad all the time! I want to be happy but feels like I am walking uphill in MUD! So what to do when my feelings are so up in the air??? Eat chocolate...NO! Get on with life and carryon...nothing else I can do. Hoping for a better 2012!
Toodles for now x

Week three down...

Hi folks,
So week three is over and 0.5lb on this week, very very disappointed and upset. Have been on plan and been trying really hard. Even had sit at dinner with friends yesterday and see them eat bbq ribs and chips while i had a skinless, fatless chicken breast, jacket potato with no butter and salad and they thought I was crazy eating what I was! But I am also pre menstrual so hoping that is it! :'(
Still gonna keep trying just a little sad x

Week two down...

So week two is over and I am pleased to report that I lost a further 5.5lbs so that is 10lbs in two weeks! To say I am happy is an understatement. I have been finding it quite satisfying knowing I am eating good food, enough of it and losing weight too! So I had set myself a challenge of 10lbs by Christmas. Seeing as I have effectively smashed it *big cheesy grin*, I am now trying to lose a stone by Christmas. I hope to lose 2lbs a week for the next two weeks which would meet my goal! I am also planning to have a very slimming world friendly Christmas. Meat, potatoes and veggies and then saving up the treats (syns) so that I can enjoy a pud on the day. I will also be making a SW friendly syn free dessert to take with me to bestie's house for dinner. Talking of bestie, she has been so very supportive of me and I really appreciate it! As mum is on nights over Christmas, I will be spending the morning with her, then mosy on over to bestie's for the rest of the evening! It should be a nice time and then shopping in the sales on boxing day. I also have started work on the DREADED DISSERTATION!!! Aaaarrgh, my head is spinning as the topic is a bit heavy. But luckily for me it is my tutor/supervisor's area of interest so I am in good hands. So anyway onwards and downwards...

Week one down!

So week one of slimming world done and I lost 4.5lbs! I am so very happy as that is a great start to a new type of weight loss journey! So onwards and downwards really! Have a great week...

Here Goes Something...

So I bit the bullet and have officially joined slimming world as of this evening (well technically yesterday now)!!! Although I was mortified having to stand on the scales...I was not as upset by the numbers as I had thought I would be. Yes it is true that I have piled on the pounds lately, however I am determined to do something about it! I got Bestie to take some pictures of me a few days ago so that I can see the progression (and downsizing!) every month. I will also do inches as I know that sometimes weight gets static but inches decrease IYSWIM?! So here goes something...

Excuse the dopey look!

So these are my lovely before shots! Hopefully as time goes on I will seek a marked improvement and be able to really see the weight coming off. Anyway I really must go to sleep now as I have a long day of baby catching ahead tomorrow! Wish me luck! xxx

Put up or Shut Up!

....So after my rather morose last post I have decided that I need to do exactly as the title says...Put up or shut up! I have moaned for far too long and while I definitely feel like the odds are stacked against me (Will explain this further below!) I need to at least try to change something. So I am joining slimming world on tonight...hmmmm!

But anyway I need to give you a clearer picture of what  have done previously before I can share what my new plans are!

So as a kid I was always the 'chubby' kid! But it never bothered me because I was cute and it didn't seem to bother anybody else! As I got older I got a little bit taller and so it didn't look too bad (who am I trying to kid lol). Not to mention I always remember people telling my mum 'Oh it's just puppy fat. It will go as she gets older...' blaaah blaah blaaah!!! When I was in primary school I looked like this.

Mum tried to 'help' me lose weight by taking me to the doctors to see if there was a medical explanation for my weight issues and by giving me less food or telling me not to eat certain things, which would just upset me and then lead me to start eating things in secret. I was conscious that if I ate in scret then nobody would know. As I got older, I got bigger! By the time I started collegeI weighed a whopping 18 + stones and thought that was my lot in life really. This was me back then...

To the outside world I was just big, bubbly Josie. On the inside I felt HUGE and ugly. And all my friends were tiny slim size 8's. That did nothing for my confidence lol... So I then embarked on my first ever diet..Weight Watchers. I was mortified after finally working up the courage to go to a slimming club, that I actually weighed so much! So started on with WW byt to be 100% it just didn't work for me. So after about five weeks and decided it wasn't for me and as I had only lost about 2lbs in that time I stopped going.  I then went on to try Rosemary Conley and manage to lose about a stone and half. But again, didn't seem to stick and I slowly put that back on! Finally I decided to take drastic action and joined lighterlife in the summer of '09. I was nervous about it, but had seen from my aunt firsthand just how amazing the results could be. So I started on and the first week although was really hard was worth it as I lost an incredible 10lbs. I never knew I could really lose weight like that. As the weeks went by I found myself getting into a rhythm and losing the weight easily. My stumbling block came when I finished the initial 12 weeks and hadn't arrived at my set goal (going by what Dr's had said!) of 10 and a half stones. I think in my  head I didn't think it was a realistic goal however I thought I should at least try to get there. So to cut a very long story short, I yoyoed from 13st13lb to 11st7lbs for about a year, then gradually the weight has piled back on. And as the weight has gone back on, the depression has set in and I have retreated into myself and withdrawn. I really do want this weight off so I am joining slimming world (did a brief stint with them last year but was not in the right headspace!). I have to admit, I am quite scared to actually step on the scales tonight for numerous reasons but the number one being sheer and utter embarassment! But ho hum...gotta start somewhere I guess. I am going to be blogging more frequently so he goes something eh!

F.A.T

So much running through my head right now relating to...
fat fat fat...
am I?
am I not?
Why do I feel this way? Is my perception of me skewed? I feel like I'm losing the very essence of me...whatever that is!? And all this because of FAT...
I like to watch programmes about people who have similar problems to me, namely weight problems, as I feel like I can relate and see some of my thoughts and feelings in them. However bestie thinks I'm a nutjob... She thinks it is unhealthy to watch so many programmes about weight and relate or at least think I relate to them. But I can't help it. Its how I feel. It doesn't feel like people understand how I feel about myself. Unfortumately for me I am not like her. I know she will kill me if she reads this but I can't help how I feel. She's outwardly confident, she's strong, she's got feminine charms and she has a host of guys that just seem to love her much. Not to mention a pretty perfect size 8 body. Now don't get me wrong, she's bestie and I love her to death; I guess I'm just envious because I wish I was more like her and less like me. And even though I know I can't compare the stuff we go through because it's so completely different I just feel like it's eating me up and turning me into a different person. I get jealous because I don't have people fawning over me, texting me, calling me, wanting to know me, wanting to be my friend and so I retreat. I feel insignificant and inadequate and so I try to fade into the background. I don't want to cause a rift between us, honestly thats the last thing I want as she does truly care about me and is a great bestie. But I think I'm making her feel bad by some of the stuff I say. I don't mean to compare the two of us but sometimes I just can't help it. I don't want to be the bitter jealous best friend at all but I just feel so left behind sometimes. I realise though that this is my issue. She really does try to help me but I have to be able to do this for myself! Aaaaarggh life!

Lost

Hi Peeps,

It's been a little while since I last blogged... Apologies, I have started my final year ta uni and that along with generally being rundown has kept me off here...until now! It's been a really weird few months for me and I just feel, off. I know that is not exactly a great description but it is how I am feeling. Like I am off balance at the moment. I once again feel like life is just going on around me but I am not in it! I will post tomorrow to explain this further as I want to try to be positive at some point in this entry.

Well the midwife in me has really been growing and I feel like my confidence is building day by day! I have to admit when I first thought about being in my final year I was filled with fear and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, it scares me *%$!less that this time next year I will be qualified and working but it is exciting too. And two Fridays ago, I delivered my first waterbirth baby, a beautiful boy weighing 7lbs 9oz. So things on that front are good. Each day really has been a learning experience and I am working really hard to fulfil my potential and really make this year count. I know that this is something I love and something I was born to do. And as cliché as that may sound it is true! Anyhoo that is enough for now. I will be back tomorrow. This has been therapuetic and I haven't even gotten down to the nitty gritty. Until tomorrow...

Learning to be happy with Me...

So for a long while I've struggled with my self image, weight, you name it, I've had an issue with it! But I think Im finally realising that things aren't as bad as they may seem. I spent some time with some old friends this bank holiday and it made me do two things. 1. Realise how far I've come. I am not that same awkward chubby girl that felt like an outsider constantly. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. And lets face it...life is WAY too short to wallow in that much self pity! o_O  ...and 2. Accept that I have so much in my life to be grateful for... It has literally taken for me to see someone I know REALLY feel the things I always thought I felt, to really understand that I am lucky.
So I know that I am not gonna magically be super confident and whatnot...but I'm getting there and I think its time to start taking some calculated risks and live life ;-) ...after all I've only got one and this is my time. So I'm gonna make the most of myself and my ahem...assets loooool... When I went out on Friday I felt sexy and I know I damn sure looked it. And it felt great...so here's to more nights out..more fun..and enjoying the rest of my life. I'm looking forward to it...its time to play ;-)

Toodles xx

Oldies but Goodies...

Blast from my Past...ACS Prom...2008

Primary School Year 4...Spot me...

The Women in My Family

My other 'Big Sis'

Crazy Malia Times

Feeling the Love at my 21st!

I've been looking back at some old photos and it really makes you think. A lot has changed, but a lot is also the same! Anyhoo looking back and thinking about how truly blessed I am.

Goodtimes!