F.A.T

So much running through my head right now relating to...
fat fat fat...
am I?
am I not?
Why do I feel this way? Is my perception of me skewed? I feel like I'm losing the very essence of me...whatever that is!? And all this because of FAT...
I like to watch programmes about people who have similar problems to me, namely weight problems, as I feel like I can relate and see some of my thoughts and feelings in them. However bestie thinks I'm a nutjob... She thinks it is unhealthy to watch so many programmes about weight and relate or at least think I relate to them. But I can't help it. Its how I feel. It doesn't feel like people understand how I feel about myself. Unfortumately for me I am not like her. I know she will kill me if she reads this but I can't help how I feel. She's outwardly confident, she's strong, she's got feminine charms and she has a host of guys that just seem to love her much. Not to mention a pretty perfect size 8 body. Now don't get me wrong, she's bestie and I love her to death; I guess I'm just envious because I wish I was more like her and less like me. And even though I know I can't compare the stuff we go through because it's so completely different I just feel like it's eating me up and turning me into a different person. I get jealous because I don't have people fawning over me, texting me, calling me, wanting to know me, wanting to be my friend and so I retreat. I feel insignificant and inadequate and so I try to fade into the background. I don't want to cause a rift between us, honestly thats the last thing I want as she does truly care about me and is a great bestie. But I think I'm making her feel bad by some of the stuff I say. I don't mean to compare the two of us but sometimes I just can't help it. I don't want to be the bitter jealous best friend at all but I just feel so left behind sometimes. I realise though that this is my issue. She really does try to help me but I have to be able to do this for myself! Aaaaarggh life!

Lost

Hi Peeps,

It's been a little while since I last blogged... Apologies, I have started my final year ta uni and that along with generally being rundown has kept me off here...until now! It's been a really weird few months for me and I just feel, off. I know that is not exactly a great description but it is how I am feeling. Like I am off balance at the moment. I once again feel like life is just going on around me but I am not in it! I will post tomorrow to explain this further as I want to try to be positive at some point in this entry.

Well the midwife in me has really been growing and I feel like my confidence is building day by day! I have to admit when I first thought about being in my final year I was filled with fear and anxiety. Don't get me wrong, it scares me *%$!less that this time next year I will be qualified and working but it is exciting too. And two Fridays ago, I delivered my first waterbirth baby, a beautiful boy weighing 7lbs 9oz. So things on that front are good. Each day really has been a learning experience and I am working really hard to fulfil my potential and really make this year count. I know that this is something I love and something I was born to do. And as cliché as that may sound it is true! Anyhoo that is enough for now. I will be back tomorrow. This has been therapuetic and I haven't even gotten down to the nitty gritty. Until tomorrow...

Learning to be happy with Me...

So for a long while I've struggled with my self image, weight, you name it, I've had an issue with it! But I think Im finally realising that things aren't as bad as they may seem. I spent some time with some old friends this bank holiday and it made me do two things. 1. Realise how far I've come. I am not that same awkward chubby girl that felt like an outsider constantly. I know my worth and I know what I deserve. And lets face it...life is WAY too short to wallow in that much self pity! o_O  ...and 2. Accept that I have so much in my life to be grateful for... It has literally taken for me to see someone I know REALLY feel the things I always thought I felt, to really understand that I am lucky.
So I know that I am not gonna magically be super confident and whatnot...but I'm getting there and I think its time to start taking some calculated risks and live life ;-) ...after all I've only got one and this is my time. So I'm gonna make the most of myself and my ahem...assets loooool... When I went out on Friday I felt sexy and I know I damn sure looked it. And it felt great...so here's to more nights out..more fun..and enjoying the rest of my life. I'm looking forward to it...its time to play ;-)

Toodles xx

Oldies but Goodies...

Blast from my Past...ACS Prom...2008

Primary School Year 4...Spot me...

The Women in My Family

My other 'Big Sis'

Crazy Malia Times

Feeling the Love at my 21st!

I've been looking back at some old photos and it really makes you think. A lot has changed, but a lot is also the same! Anyhoo looking back and thinking about how truly blessed I am.

Goodtimes!

Hotlanta baby

Me and bestie made it to ATL finally... Seems like we've been waiting ages for this trip but anyhoo we're hear now!! We've had 3 days of hot hot hot weather AND a crazy mad thunder&lightening storm...
So i will try to blog as much as possible whilst we're here and tell you about our adventures. So for now...
Bye y'all xx

Me and Bestie on our travels...

A quick post as I should actually be asleep now!!! As the title says, me and bestie are off on holiday!!! I'm very excited and looking forward to it! I shall try to blog as much as I can whilst I am away! Anyhoo...I shall blog from the terminal! Much love...